mom

I just had an email that got me to thinking. My aunt was just commenting on the letter I wrote for my dad's christmas cards. She said I sounded just like my mom. Sometimes I really like hearing that and then other times I don't. But I wonder why I find myself trying to be like my mom. I love her and miss her dearly, but she wasn't perfect. There were plenty of things I didn't like about her. I feel like I'm trying to immortalize her or something by being like her. I know part of me will always be like her and do things because that's the way she did them. But why can't I let go of more of her? Maybe I will in time. Like I've never made an issue about being together on Thanksgiving. It was always, if it happens cool, if not oh well. No matter what though I have to make rolls. Thanksgiving isn't Thanksgiving without my mom's rolls. But for Christmas I'm totally anal (giggity, lol) about everything being as close to the way it used to be as possible.

How do I stop trying to replace my mom and figure out who I am???

my heart is ravisht with delight when thee I think upon

my evening started out good. had a drink in front of me, my playlist.com playing and wow up an running. then the 1 non upbeat song on my playlist came on...auld lang syne. the version from the sex and the city movie.

then i put it on repeat.

it made me picture a life with him. why do i do this. it's like i'm a silly little girl. i feel like i'll never grow up. i can see our lives like a freaking hallmark commercial. i know that's not real life but for some reason that's still what i picture. why is that. do i do it so nothing will ever measure up and then i'll be single forever thus self full-filling my prophecy that nobody will ever love me. it's confusing.

i see a beautiful evening wedding. it's outdoors and under a big tent and there are lots of candles. my dress surprises me.

i'm all sappy and weepy. then the wedding thoughts make me think about my mom and how she won't be there for my wedding. sadness

but there is still a smile on my face right now. even with the few tears. i think i want to walk down the aisle to this song someday. i don't know that it's a "wedding" song but i don't really care. it makes me feel good.


::the grammar and punctuation was deliberate. somehow, it seemed appropriate::