insert witty title here

I have been in a ridiculously good mood since January!! I'm very chipper and feisty and sometimes my optimism even starts to annoy my cynical/sarcastic side! lol Sometimes I really think I have a split personality. I'm enjoying the happiness and the new experience of extended happiness.

LIFE IS GOOD!!

mom

I just had an email that got me to thinking. My aunt was just commenting on the letter I wrote for my dad's christmas cards. She said I sounded just like my mom. Sometimes I really like hearing that and then other times I don't. But I wonder why I find myself trying to be like my mom. I love her and miss her dearly, but she wasn't perfect. There were plenty of things I didn't like about her. I feel like I'm trying to immortalize her or something by being like her. I know part of me will always be like her and do things because that's the way she did them. But why can't I let go of more of her? Maybe I will in time. Like I've never made an issue about being together on Thanksgiving. It was always, if it happens cool, if not oh well. No matter what though I have to make rolls. Thanksgiving isn't Thanksgiving without my mom's rolls. But for Christmas I'm totally anal (giggity, lol) about everything being as close to the way it used to be as possible.

How do I stop trying to replace my mom and figure out who I am???

my heart is ravisht with delight when thee I think upon

my evening started out good. had a drink in front of me, my playlist.com playing and wow up an running. then the 1 non upbeat song on my playlist came on...auld lang syne. the version from the sex and the city movie.

then i put it on repeat.

it made me picture a life with him. why do i do this. it's like i'm a silly little girl. i feel like i'll never grow up. i can see our lives like a freaking hallmark commercial. i know that's not real life but for some reason that's still what i picture. why is that. do i do it so nothing will ever measure up and then i'll be single forever thus self full-filling my prophecy that nobody will ever love me. it's confusing.

i see a beautiful evening wedding. it's outdoors and under a big tent and there are lots of candles. my dress surprises me.

i'm all sappy and weepy. then the wedding thoughts make me think about my mom and how she won't be there for my wedding. sadness

but there is still a smile on my face right now. even with the few tears. i think i want to walk down the aisle to this song someday. i don't know that it's a "wedding" song but i don't really care. it makes me feel good.


::the grammar and punctuation was deliberate. somehow, it seemed appropriate::

Seriously...wtf!?

I'm watching the first part of the season 6 finale of Project Runway and OMG, Heidi and Tim announced that the designers would have to complete a 13th look in the 2 or so days before the big fashion show. But for some reason, the designers are all shocked and stressed out. I don't get it...it's happened EVERY other season!

A little of this, that, and the other thing...

It's been so long...has anybody missed my sad, yet witty, blogs? lol Didn't think so! haha

It is currently 12:38pm when I am starting this and I think it's gonna take me all day to write. I've meant to write so many times over the past months, but I just never seem to get around to it. I wonder how much I'll get to today...

I am currently sick. Yuck!! It's a really nasty cold but it's on it's way out the door. I ended up only work a half day on Thursday and not on Friday so I've basically been sleeping for 3 days. Sleep always helps! I plan on returning to work tomorrow. I feel a lot better...not 100% but able to go out into the world. So far not even a lot of coughing today, but then again I've only been out of bed a little over an hour.

I'm thinking about going to grad school to become a teacher. I've said for the past couple years that I have no desire to be a teacher but I don't know now. I'm almost 30 and I feel like I have accomplished basically nothing. I like my job, it's easy but it pays nothing. I've hoped that I would get married and start a family so I wouldn't need a "career" but I feel like that may not happen now. Yes, I know 30 is still young and all that but at this point I just feel like I need something to fall back on I guess. Does that make any sense? Because maybe I never will get married. Maybe there's nobody out there for me. Maybe I'll just be alone forever. And if that's the case, I really need to make more money.

A lot of my friends are engaged, married, pregnant, or already have babies. Why them and not me? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them! But when's it MY turn? I would be such a great wife and mother so don't I deserve a shot at it? Why doesn't God give me that? I know I'm coming off as bitter and ungrateful, but oh well. Why do so many other people get what they want? I don't think they're just settling for somebody who comes along so why should I? Where are all the quality guys who are ready for commitment and family? Already taken, that's where. WTF?!?! I guess that's not all of them, but the guys I'm finding just don't do it for me. Or the ones that do, are LOSERS (i.e. Kevin). AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm so frustrated!

Time for a break....

Honestly, I don't begrudge you your happiness...I just want mine too.

*sigh*

So I'm totally crushing on my student's history teacher. He's perfect! Okay, he's probably not, but he definitely seems to have a LOT of great qualities. Why can't we get married and have lots of history loving babies? I'm kind of over the fun part of the crush though. I don't even think he knows I'm alive really. At least not in the "young, single, female" kind of way. He probably thinks I'm too young or just too fat for him. Sadness...

I'm sad I can't think of anything happy to write about. Oh wait, I LOVE MY CAT!! She's super cuddly these days and most of the time it's welcomed. I saw Lisa a couple weeks ago when she came to visit. That was good. And Disneyland is less than 3 months away. I should probably get to planning it.

It is now 4:47pm as I post this, exciting stuff...I know!

*sigh*

I've been doing pretty good on not thinking about Kevin lately. Sometimes days will go by and then I'm shocked I haven't thought about it. Why is it so hard to forget about somebody who was just so bad for you? Why did I ever meet and fall in love with him and when will I ever really be over him? There's something about his smile that still makes me melt. And if he showed up at my doorstep right now, there's not telling what I'd do. Probably not tell him to go away though. Is that just because I'm lonely or because I still love him? Why can't I get him out of my head/heart?!? He's such a LOSER!! But a HOT one. I'm still so insecure with myself! I know a big part of my attraction to him was that this gorgeous guy, the kind I could NEVER get in my youth, wanted me. ME!!!! It made me feel special and beautiful and I miss that. I know I need to find those things in myself, but I don't know how or ever where to start looking.

WARNING: Multiple Rants

I'm frustrated with a couple things...

1. My dad is dating. He has been for some time and he's on his second lady friend right now. She's from Arizona and they've been dating for 4ish months now. She was just up here for the past weekend for the second time, but I still haven't met her. I don't know if I want to. I HATE HATE HATE that he's dating! I already get so little time with him and now this chick is taking more of it. Yes, I want him to be happy and yes, my mom told me he's probably remarry, and yes, it's been over 2 years BUT I AM A SELFISH/SPOILED BRAT and I don't want him to! I don't want a step-mother, I don't want things to change anymore in my life. I want our holidays and traditions to stay the same. I want the house I grew up in to stay the same! And honestly, I'm jealous of the attention she gets and that my dad has a more active social life than I do. BAH HUMBUG!!!!!

2. John & Kate + 8...I'm SOOO disappointed with them, TLC, and the media/tabloids. I haven't watched the show since the season started because I don't have cable anymore and because it's just so over-publicized now. I read online a bit ago what this "big announcement" episode was about and I guess they're getting divorced. I have SEVERAL issues with this. 1. Less than a year ago they did 2 whole episodes where they renewed their vows and made it a point to say divorce is not an option for them. That's one of the reasons they renewed their vows they said, to let their children know they were serious. What a load of CRAP!!!! 2. In the article I read, Kate said that things had been tough for 7-8 months. Yeah, you know what?! Life is HARD! Suck it up!!! Have you tried counseling? Have you tried turning the f-ing cameras off and concentrating on your FAMILY?? I'm so livid at them!!! Granted, I don't know the "real" story, only the media produced one, but still. Ugh...I'm just disgusted!!!