life and death

Since it's the last week of the show and it's on Hulu, I've been watching the last episodes of All My Children.

***SPOILER***

They've kind of been dealing with 1 family each day and of course it's mostly been happily ever after which NEVER happens, or rather lasts, on soaps.

*tangent, then back to spoiler and my thoughts on death and stuff*

I remember when I started watching All My Children. I was about 13 I think and Alison got me into it. I think I taped it everyday in 8th grade. lol  I watched it a little in college too but then it was just too hard to keep up with all the drama, especially when some characters changed actors. Who hasn't watched a soap at one time or another? Females at least? Well, I don't know that my mom ever did.

***Speaking of my mom***

So on yesterday's AMC, a beloved character, Stuart, who'd been "killed" 2 years ago was brought back to life. I think he'd been in the evil doctor's clinic or something. Apparently this doctor has performed several miracles but has also hurt lots of people. He had to convince the cops to let him out of jail to save Stuart.

Stuart's twin, Adam, was there and that's what really brought Stuart back I guess. Twin bond or something. And then his son Scott showed up. He'd lived the last 2 years having to deal with his father's death.

This got me to thinking. As much as I love my mom and miss her, I wouldn't want her to come back to life, even if only for a day. I have no desire to go through the pain of losing her again. That was the worst time in my life. Why would I want to go through that again? Why would anybody? (Though I'm sure some people would chose to if they could.)

I've had a reoccurring dream several times over the years. My mom suddenly has come back to life and nobody else seems to think it's strange. She's back living with my dad but he still has his girlfriend. And NOBODY brings up the fact that my mom was CREMATED! And there was this vibe that if I asked about it (cause you know I'm super curious), she would suddenly disappear. There was also the unknown about her cancer. Was it gone? Would it come back? Nobody knows. I think I flashed forward a bit, like a year or so, and she was still alive and was healthy, but there was still the question of whether or not it'd come back.

I don't know how many times I've had this dream, but it's been more than half a dozen times and I'm usually left feeling sad and a little lost. But I know that if God came to me and offered me the chance to be with my mom again, for whatever length of time, I probably wouldn't take Him up on it. I guess if maybe I was clear that it was a visit for an hour or a few hours maybe, but any longer than that, I'd get too attached and I wouldn't want to go through that again.

So, should mom be Mom when I'm writing about her? That's one of those grammar things I've never gotten. lol

wedding dress shopping

I went wedding dress shopping with Katie, her mom, her sister Jess and her niece Loren today. It was mostly fun. I met them at the first place where I think we were for 2 hours! Katie looked so pretty in most of the dresses. Then Loren was modeling a bunch of flower girl dresses but come on...a cute little girl with curly hair is gonna look adorable in ANYTHING! lol  Jess tried on some bridesmaid dresses and then I tried on a couple too. Most did NOT look good in my opinion but we got some ideas of what might work.

Then we took a break and went to The Cheesecake Factory for a snack. I still have more than half of my cheesecake. I've found it gets better with age. It'll be BOMB the next couple days...if it lasts that long. lol

So then we went to David's Bridal where we were mainly looking at bridesmaid dresses. I tried on a couple and found one that I think will work well for me. Jess liked it too so we may end up all having the same dress. Katie's plan is to pick the color and we pick whatever dress we like best.

This will be the first wedding I'll ever be in. I'm nervous and excited and it's a year away!

Sitting in the shop got me to thinking about my mom and how we're never going to do that together. And if we had, it would have been pretty funny because neither of us are the dress types. Would have been interesting. But what if I do get married someday; who will go with me? Will it be as special? Will it totally suck? At this point, I don't really see it being something I need to worry about but I still think about it. 

Can I even see myself getting married without my mom there? Honestly, I don't know.

mom

I just had an email that got me to thinking. My aunt was just commenting on the letter I wrote for my dad's christmas cards. She said I sounded just like my mom. Sometimes I really like hearing that and then other times I don't. But I wonder why I find myself trying to be like my mom. I love her and miss her dearly, but she wasn't perfect. There were plenty of things I didn't like about her. I feel like I'm trying to immortalize her or something by being like her. I know part of me will always be like her and do things because that's the way she did them. But why can't I let go of more of her? Maybe I will in time. Like I've never made an issue about being together on Thanksgiving. It was always, if it happens cool, if not oh well. No matter what though I have to make rolls. Thanksgiving isn't Thanksgiving without my mom's rolls. But for Christmas I'm totally anal (giggity, lol) about everything being as close to the way it used to be as possible.

How do I stop trying to replace my mom and figure out who I am???