Look how far I've come!

So I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in almost a year. I was only going every couple of months before that but last February I had a crisis of sorts so I went in to see her. I actually find that crisis kind of funny now. I am such a slave to my emotions and desires!

I had no real reason to go it, I'd just been meaning to check in the past 4-6 months but never had the money for it and didn't want to ask dad for it. But I did now so I went it and it was good. I really love my therapist! She reminds me a lot of my mom and my favorite teacher from high school so it's a good combo for me. And she hugs me at the end. She's done that for 2-3 years. I told her that I like that she hugs me and she said that she likes that I hug her. :)

In talking to her I realized that I'd been seeing her for about 4 1/2 years. Since late summer/fall the year my mom died (2007). It's amazing how far I've come since then!!  I'm one of the slowest changers EVER I think, so it's really nice to be able to look back and see all the progress I've made.

Back then, I NEVER thought I'd ever be over Kevin, but I am. When he texted me awhile back it really just made me laugh.

I think I'm as over my mom's death as I can ever hope to be. I guess it's more I've come to terms with it and accepted it.

My relationship with my dad has come leaps and bounds since my childhood. I love my dad so much now and can't imagine how I would have gotten through the last several years without him. That is by far, the BEST thing that came out of losing my mom. 

I'm fine with my dad dating now, though I will admit if/when he gets married that might be tough for me. But for now he seems fine with having his girlfriend be in Arizona. He's there a lot, but he always comes home. I know that one day things may change, he may move there part or full time, they may marry, etc, but I know I'll be able to handle it. 

I have a job that I really enjoy and even though the pay is crap, I get by. And the benefits FAR outweigh the negatives.

I'm content in the little bubble of a world I've created for myself. At least most of the time. Occasionally I'm lonely and want somebody to share my life with, but if it's meant to be, it'll be.

I'm content in my decision that I don't want to have kids. It may change, but if it doesn't, I can love on all the kids my friends have. Not everybody needs to have kids. For over 10 years of my life all I wanted was to be a stay at home mom with 3-5 kids and now I couldn't imagine doing that. I like that I can spend hours on Facebook everyday if I want to.

I think I have a good idea of what I want in a life partner/boyfriend/husband. I want what I briefly had with Jason back in 2007. It wasn't what I thought I wanted then, but it is now and I am sad I can't have that with him. I don't regret much in my life but I do regret how I handled that. In my defense, I was pretty screwed up that year from losing my mom, but that's still not really an excuse.

I'm at a good place in my life I think. I don't stress about much and that's nice.  I wonder what the future holds for me though...

life and death

Since it's the last week of the show and it's on Hulu, I've been watching the last episodes of All My Children.

***SPOILER***

They've kind of been dealing with 1 family each day and of course it's mostly been happily ever after which NEVER happens, or rather lasts, on soaps.

*tangent, then back to spoiler and my thoughts on death and stuff*

I remember when I started watching All My Children. I was about 13 I think and Alison got me into it. I think I taped it everyday in 8th grade. lol  I watched it a little in college too but then it was just too hard to keep up with all the drama, especially when some characters changed actors. Who hasn't watched a soap at one time or another? Females at least? Well, I don't know that my mom ever did.

***Speaking of my mom***

So on yesterday's AMC, a beloved character, Stuart, who'd been "killed" 2 years ago was brought back to life. I think he'd been in the evil doctor's clinic or something. Apparently this doctor has performed several miracles but has also hurt lots of people. He had to convince the cops to let him out of jail to save Stuart.

Stuart's twin, Adam, was there and that's what really brought Stuart back I guess. Twin bond or something. And then his son Scott showed up. He'd lived the last 2 years having to deal with his father's death.

This got me to thinking. As much as I love my mom and miss her, I wouldn't want her to come back to life, even if only for a day. I have no desire to go through the pain of losing her again. That was the worst time in my life. Why would I want to go through that again? Why would anybody? (Though I'm sure some people would chose to if they could.)

I've had a reoccurring dream several times over the years. My mom suddenly has come back to life and nobody else seems to think it's strange. She's back living with my dad but he still has his girlfriend. And NOBODY brings up the fact that my mom was CREMATED! And there was this vibe that if I asked about it (cause you know I'm super curious), she would suddenly disappear. There was also the unknown about her cancer. Was it gone? Would it come back? Nobody knows. I think I flashed forward a bit, like a year or so, and she was still alive and was healthy, but there was still the question of whether or not it'd come back.

I don't know how many times I've had this dream, but it's been more than half a dozen times and I'm usually left feeling sad and a little lost. But I know that if God came to me and offered me the chance to be with my mom again, for whatever length of time, I probably wouldn't take Him up on it. I guess if maybe I was clear that it was a visit for an hour or a few hours maybe, but any longer than that, I'd get too attached and I wouldn't want to go through that again.

So, should mom be Mom when I'm writing about her? That's one of those grammar things I've never gotten. lol

Everybody say it with me...

T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS T-MOBILE SUCKS

I am soooooo frustrated with this company and their attempt to rip me off. More so that they will probably succeed. But, I'm venting my frustrations in hopes of making them go away. Here's hoping!!!

I may post the whole drama later, but I don't feel like it now. Just know they SUCK BIG FAT MONKEY NUTS!!!

grrrr!

I'm so frustrated with several men in my life right now. Most of them are people that shouldn't be in my life and that bothers me too. Why can't I just drop them like a bad habit? Wait, I don't drop bad habits. lol  I let these guys treat me like crap and I honestly don't know if I'm more mad at them or myself.

And then there's my dad...

I love him dearly and he's been VERY good to me, the last few years especially, but he's been frustrating me lately. He has a "just do it" mentality which the older I've gotten the more I've struggled with. I think ever since I graduated from college my ADD has gotten worse because I didn't have a goal to focus on. Practically everything he says to me makes me feel like I'm not good enough or not doing enough. It's annoying! I know that's just as much of a problem with me and it is with him. I keep trying to tell him that my brain (and my brother's) is just wired differently and that I'm okay with being different and he needs to become okay with it.

I'm looking forward to seeing my doctor on Friday about my suspected ADD. I want to get the ball rolling so I can figure out ways to work with it instead of against it. I know it won't be an easy journey but I think I have the right attitude. More so then when I was first diagnosed with depression.

blogity blog blog blog

It was a busy/social weekend for me. I went to my friend Halley's wedding yesterday with my friend Michelle (from work). A few other work people were there and it was nice to see them and have people to talk to. We all know I don't do well with strangers! It was a beautiful wedding even though I know it was done on a budget. Lots of really cute touches that I may have to steal one day. It was an outdoor wedding though, so I had to sit in the sun in a dress (and spanx!) for 40 minutes and it knocked me out! I was light headed for the rest of the day. One of the groomsmen almost passed out too.

Today I went to a Texas BBQ at Michelle's (same one from above) home. Her parents are visiting from Texas and made all this food for her friends. I'm not a fan of BBQ but her parents are AWESOME! I'm trying to convince her mom she wants to adopt a white child...ME! lol  I'm always on the lookout for new mom's.

On a sad note, my dad's across the street neighbor and the owner of my FAVORITE pizza restaurant Shakey's passed away a couple days ago. He had cancer and we knew it was coming but it's sad. He's always been one of my favorite neighbors. He was the first person I told when my mom passed away. I'd gone out to the porch to make my calls and he was outside and asked me how she was. RIP Mr. Lampe!

I finished season 7 of NCIS and have started season 8. I should be done with it before season 9 premieres this fall. It'll be weird to have to wait a week or more for every episode. It's nice to watch episode after episode. I'll probably go back and start at season 1 again. Still have 2 episodes of The Tudors to watch too. Maybe I'll start that over again too.

Making some progress on my ADD book. I have an appointment with my doctor this Friday. I wish it was a quick process but I'm expecting it to take at least a month, probably more. And then if I get put on meds (please, please, please!) it may take awhile to find the right one. All in good time though. I'm going to try and patient and hope and pray that in the end all will be well.

I think that's all that's been going on in my world.

Random Facts about Laura

1. My biggest pet peeve: people who say they'll do something and then don't.

wedding dress shopping

I went wedding dress shopping with Katie, her mom, her sister Jess and her niece Loren today. It was mostly fun. I met them at the first place where I think we were for 2 hours! Katie looked so pretty in most of the dresses. Then Loren was modeling a bunch of flower girl dresses but come on...a cute little girl with curly hair is gonna look adorable in ANYTHING! lol  Jess tried on some bridesmaid dresses and then I tried on a couple too. Most did NOT look good in my opinion but we got some ideas of what might work.

Then we took a break and went to The Cheesecake Factory for a snack. I still have more than half of my cheesecake. I've found it gets better with age. It'll be BOMB the next couple days...if it lasts that long. lol

So then we went to David's Bridal where we were mainly looking at bridesmaid dresses. I tried on a couple and found one that I think will work well for me. Jess liked it too so we may end up all having the same dress. Katie's plan is to pick the color and we pick whatever dress we like best.

This will be the first wedding I'll ever be in. I'm nervous and excited and it's a year away!

Sitting in the shop got me to thinking about my mom and how we're never going to do that together. And if we had, it would have been pretty funny because neither of us are the dress types. Would have been interesting. But what if I do get married someday; who will go with me? Will it be as special? Will it totally suck? At this point, I don't really see it being something I need to worry about but I still think about it. 

Can I even see myself getting married without my mom there? Honestly, I don't know.