Seriously...wtf!?

I'm watching the first part of the season 6 finale of Project Runway and OMG, Heidi and Tim announced that the designers would have to complete a 13th look in the 2 or so days before the big fashion show. But for some reason, the designers are all shocked and stressed out. I don't get it...it's happened EVERY other season!

A little of this, that, and the other thing...

It's been so long...has anybody missed my sad, yet witty, blogs? lol Didn't think so! haha

It is currently 12:38pm when I am starting this and I think it's gonna take me all day to write. I've meant to write so many times over the past months, but I just never seem to get around to it. I wonder how much I'll get to today...

I am currently sick. Yuck!! It's a really nasty cold but it's on it's way out the door. I ended up only work a half day on Thursday and not on Friday so I've basically been sleeping for 3 days. Sleep always helps! I plan on returning to work tomorrow. I feel a lot better...not 100% but able to go out into the world. So far not even a lot of coughing today, but then again I've only been out of bed a little over an hour.

I'm thinking about going to grad school to become a teacher. I've said for the past couple years that I have no desire to be a teacher but I don't know now. I'm almost 30 and I feel like I have accomplished basically nothing. I like my job, it's easy but it pays nothing. I've hoped that I would get married and start a family so I wouldn't need a "career" but I feel like that may not happen now. Yes, I know 30 is still young and all that but at this point I just feel like I need something to fall back on I guess. Does that make any sense? Because maybe I never will get married. Maybe there's nobody out there for me. Maybe I'll just be alone forever. And if that's the case, I really need to make more money.

A lot of my friends are engaged, married, pregnant, or already have babies. Why them and not me? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them! But when's it MY turn? I would be such a great wife and mother so don't I deserve a shot at it? Why doesn't God give me that? I know I'm coming off as bitter and ungrateful, but oh well. Why do so many other people get what they want? I don't think they're just settling for somebody who comes along so why should I? Where are all the quality guys who are ready for commitment and family? Already taken, that's where. WTF?!?! I guess that's not all of them, but the guys I'm finding just don't do it for me. Or the ones that do, are LOSERS (i.e. Kevin). AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm so frustrated!

Time for a break....

Honestly, I don't begrudge you your happiness...I just want mine too.

*sigh*

So I'm totally crushing on my student's history teacher. He's perfect! Okay, he's probably not, but he definitely seems to have a LOT of great qualities. Why can't we get married and have lots of history loving babies? I'm kind of over the fun part of the crush though. I don't even think he knows I'm alive really. At least not in the "young, single, female" kind of way. He probably thinks I'm too young or just too fat for him. Sadness...

I'm sad I can't think of anything happy to write about. Oh wait, I LOVE MY CAT!! She's super cuddly these days and most of the time it's welcomed. I saw Lisa a couple weeks ago when she came to visit. That was good. And Disneyland is less than 3 months away. I should probably get to planning it.

It is now 4:47pm as I post this, exciting stuff...I know!

*sigh*

I've been doing pretty good on not thinking about Kevin lately. Sometimes days will go by and then I'm shocked I haven't thought about it. Why is it so hard to forget about somebody who was just so bad for you? Why did I ever meet and fall in love with him and when will I ever really be over him? There's something about his smile that still makes me melt. And if he showed up at my doorstep right now, there's not telling what I'd do. Probably not tell him to go away though. Is that just because I'm lonely or because I still love him? Why can't I get him out of my head/heart?!? He's such a LOSER!! But a HOT one. I'm still so insecure with myself! I know a big part of my attraction to him was that this gorgeous guy, the kind I could NEVER get in my youth, wanted me. ME!!!! It made me feel special and beautiful and I miss that. I know I need to find those things in myself, but I don't know how or ever where to start looking.

WARNING: Multiple Rants

I'm frustrated with a couple things...

1. My dad is dating. He has been for some time and he's on his second lady friend right now. She's from Arizona and they've been dating for 4ish months now. She was just up here for the past weekend for the second time, but I still haven't met her. I don't know if I want to. I HATE HATE HATE that he's dating! I already get so little time with him and now this chick is taking more of it. Yes, I want him to be happy and yes, my mom told me he's probably remarry, and yes, it's been over 2 years BUT I AM A SELFISH/SPOILED BRAT and I don't want him to! I don't want a step-mother, I don't want things to change anymore in my life. I want our holidays and traditions to stay the same. I want the house I grew up in to stay the same! And honestly, I'm jealous of the attention she gets and that my dad has a more active social life than I do. BAH HUMBUG!!!!!

2. John & Kate + 8...I'm SOOO disappointed with them, TLC, and the media/tabloids. I haven't watched the show since the season started because I don't have cable anymore and because it's just so over-publicized now. I read online a bit ago what this "big announcement" episode was about and I guess they're getting divorced. I have SEVERAL issues with this. 1. Less than a year ago they did 2 whole episodes where they renewed their vows and made it a point to say divorce is not an option for them. That's one of the reasons they renewed their vows they said, to let their children know they were serious. What a load of CRAP!!!! 2. In the article I read, Kate said that things had been tough for 7-8 months. Yeah, you know what?! Life is HARD! Suck it up!!! Have you tried counseling? Have you tried turning the f-ing cameras off and concentrating on your FAMILY?? I'm so livid at them!!! Granted, I don't know the "real" story, only the media produced one, but still. Ugh...I'm just disgusted!!!

I'm so unhappy and I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it!

less than 17 days left...I can survive that, right?!?

So I'm updating at school/work today because I never seem to do it at home. And believe it or not this is site isn't blocked by the school district!

I had the most completely boring weekend ever and it was so beautiful out. I did nothing but sleep and sit in front of my computer and TV. How pathetic is that? How pathetic am I? (Rhetorical question, no need to answer it...) I don't know what my problem is! I think my depression is worsening. I've been pretty good for a long time now, only taking a really small dose of my anti-depressant, but lately I'm wondering if I need to be taking more. I have plenty of chores/projects I could be working on and there's nothing saying I can't go out and do something alone, but I just never have the energy or desire really. Sometimes I get super motivated late at night and I'm like "tomorrow I'm going to clean/do a project/walk/whatever" but in the morning the energy is just gone.

I had the worst trouble sleeping last night. My bed was just to soft and the room was too hot, even with a fan on. So since I sold my futon I tried to sleep on the floor of my living room. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep there but the sun and chirping birds woke me up around 4:30am when I moved to my bed until my alarm went off. So far I'm not too tired, just kinda crabby.

Last week Brad and I had it out over emails. He had said he'd come up with a lesson plan for my student for watching a movie about Anne Frank and when I asked him about it he said he hadn't (2 weeks later). I wrote him an email and just said that it was frustrating because he said he would and he didn't. Then he went off on me telling me I suck at my job basically and do everything wrong all day. I asked him how that was possible if I just had a review with the assistant principal and it was great. He said because he had stopped telling them everything I did wrong. He also did email me some lesson plan he just copied from somewhere and told me to look through it. I stated to him again that I'm not the teacher so he can just tell me what to do out of it. (He's always like "I'm the teacher, I can do no wrong, I know everything" when all he does is sit on his big, smelling butt all day stinking up the room!) We went back and forth a few more times and I was just like, stop deflecting on me. You said you'd do something (lesson plan) and didn't so I called you on it. Now you've given me one, it's over! He just kept harping on me and I'm just like DUDE! This isn't about me. Whatever...17 days left and then I NEVER have to see him again. He's moving somewhere...YAY!!! His car got keyed last week. Can't say he didn't deserve it. I feel so sorry for his girlfriend. I'm also very curious about her. They met online and she moved out here from Ohio (he paid for her to fly out) and she doesn't have a job or a car. She sits in the apartment all day cleaning or something and then serves him dinner while he plays final fantasy. Seriously, those are his words...she serves him dinner. I don't think she ever leaves the place without him. It's almost like an abusive relationship. Unless of course, she's that type of girl that can't decide what color underwear to put on without a man's opinion.

Anyway, I've survived this long, a couple more weeks won't kill me.

I'm excited about my summer job being a nanny. I need to go hang out with Stephanie and her kids to get a feel for them and how our days will go. I have so much fun stuff planned!

Backtracking a couple weeks...Jen's wedding was good. I felt very pretty in my dress!! Much prettier than I think I look in the pictures. I went and got my hair done and the lady made it look like there was a birds nest on my head! I'm not good at saying anything in those situations but was able to salvage it before going. And when I got home from the wedding and brushed some of the hairspray out my hair looked AWESOME!! All curly and pretty! My everyday styling is going okay though I think it looks like I have a mullet. I need to get a couple inches cut off the back I think. I'll wait awhile though, maybe to next paycheck.

Okay...gotta get to work and do a math lesson. Maybe I'll write more tonight, but maybe not.

insert witty title here

Does anybody else think it's totally awesome that Ellen DeGeneres is a CoverGirl?!? I've seen the commercial a couple times now and I just think it's so out there it's just GREAT!

Who watched the Dancing With the Stars final last night? It was really good!! As long as Melissa doesn't win I'll be happy, though I'm not a huge Giles fan either. They're both good dancers, but I tend to be more for the people I like. All 3 free style dances totally ROCKED it! I think Melissa's was probably actually my favorite. Only by a little and only because of the music choice. Was so early 90's and just brought me back to the day.

I had some other stuff I was going to write about, work, Jen's wedding, my haircut, etc. but my mind just isn't in it right now. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll live without those intimate details of my life! LMAO!